WHITE SULPHUR SPRINGS - It's always been a dream.
Write a column, that is, from the perspective of a spectator, rather than a columnist.
Would be fun, I thought. Get out in the crowd of, say, a college football game. Folks in these parts, though, want their football NEWS after a game. (Also, some of you guys in the stands scare me.)
Finally, though, after 37 years, I found an opportunity. The Greenbrier Classic golf tournament. On Friday and Saturday. And I ran - er, walked - with it.
What I found as that spectator:
n A nice place to start spectating at the Old White TPC is the No. 1 tee box. If you go, check out starter Paul Moran, a former WVU football coach and Kanawha City resident, who handles the player announcements. "Ladies and gentlemen," he says, "from Bagdad, Florida, two-time Masters champion and PGA representative of The Greenbrier, Bubba Watson." He gives each golfer official scorecards. He wishes them well. He sets the table.
n And while on the topic of Charleston area residents, go on a Ken Tackett hunt. The Mink Shoals resident is now a PGA rules official. He gets around in a sporty golf cart and wears a tie. Give yourself points for each sighting.
n I found that a man named Bubba hitting a golf shot without a shoe can be surprisingly entertaining.
n Want to surprise yourself? Download an app that tracks your steps during workouts. Cut it loose as you walk the course and forget about it. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how many miles you'll log by day's end. (The course, by the way, is 7,287 yards long. That's a lot of long yards.)
n If you wander into the tournament merchandise shop, prepare for a phenomenon known as sticker shock.
n If you want to experience fun, talk to the tournament volunteers. These folks love the experience so much they pay for their uniforms and foot the bill for lodging, etc. You can learn things from how golf balls are tracked by laser to which golfers are crabby.
n Two words: sun block.
n I found one of the hottest topics on the course is which port-o-potties are the best. (The one at No. 12 won raves. Air conditioning!)
n Two words: sensible shoes. (You will undoubtedly see a few women wearing high heels. And you will see more than a few people pointing to them incredulously.)
n It's crazy, but folks at golf tournaments apparently don't get drunk and scream for the heads of coaches. In fact, they are quite encouraging and polite to all competitors. Hmmm.
n Somehow a large throng of people can actually be quiet. Except, that is, the folks in the pricey club boxes beside the No. 17 green.
n Goal: Get into the pricey club boxes beside No. 17 green.
n At some point you'll see Gov. Jim Justice riding around in a golf cart. He'll be followed by a state trooper. It's best not to mess with the latter.
n When you walk the course, you'll reflect on childhood's musical chairs. When a golfer is ready to hit, the music stops and everyone is still.
n Somewhere around The Greenbrier resort, you'll hear the word "falconry."
n When you walk over the course's bridges, it's useless to try and avoid the urge to look in the streams for fish. Just give in.
n Somewhere along the course, these words will come out of your mouth: God, look at THAT house.
n Dogs within those homes don't care an iota about golf etiquette.
n Nearby Lewisburg really IS the coolest little town.
n If you hear the golfers are "playing it down today," just nod your head as if you know what that means.
n If you see Jerry West at the course, you will be starstruck. Every time. It is what it is.
n The world's No. 1-ranked amateur Joaquin Niemann, who made the cut, will remind you of a kid who should be in social studies class.
n You'll root for fabulously wealthy "big name" golfers to win, rather than young hungry players who could use a check. And if he's 53-year-old Davis Love III - playing in his 741st PGA Tour event - you'll be over the moon.
n Your jaw will drop when you see even an 18th-place Classic check is worth $106,500.
n You'll see that not only can you buy food and drinks on the Old White course, but a couch. Furniture is indeed sold on site.
n Mostly, though, you'll see some excellent golf, a people-palooza and beautiful sights.
Golf, it turns out, is not a good walk spoiled after all.
Contact Mitch Vingle at 304-348-4827 or mitchvingle@wvgazettemail.com. Follow him on Twitter @MitchVingle.